i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
