She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
