i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
