so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
