Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
