I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
