I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
