First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
