getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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