I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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