I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
