Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
