I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
