fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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