im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
