just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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