i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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