mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
