I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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