tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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