Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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