guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
