My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
