I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
