dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
