did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
