i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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