i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
