I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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