If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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