after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
