everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
