no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My liver just broke up with me...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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