i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
