walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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