Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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