Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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