i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
