This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've blown a few things in my day
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The adults are the big ones right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
