Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
