when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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