I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
