My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
