he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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