You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
