when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
