His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
