chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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