Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
