I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He passed out mid-signature
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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