After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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