Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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