I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
love makes seman taste better
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
