The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize