Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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