Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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