you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
