I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
