I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
