dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
