Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
this hospital has no fireball
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
